Its one of those days when I wish to spend my time, the way I wish to spend it; when I wish to do things, that I really and actually wish to do; when I wish to utter (or may be shout) the words, I really wish to utter and shout.
Have I become so habitual of fabricating/ignoring my emotions, suppressing my negative moods (Hey this is only for these kind of rare days..OK) that it has become so tough for me to behave as an unruly/depressed/crying baby type of person (Oh come on! do you really think I will be doing that forever.....Oh dear! I am simply talking about this one day or this hour only!!)
For days and days, I have practiced the art of being happy, for no reason; the art of being able to laugh, without there being any joke thrown at me; the art of finding fun, when there wasn't any.
I think, I like to feel that I am a strong person. I am able to successfully put across my humorous being a forth, even when my inner self is in pieces. Putting up a calm and composed me in front of my well wishers and my loved ones when all I want to do, is to go to a mountain top and shout and cry to heavens and to hell.
Why dont I do what I wish to do in these moments? Am I scared of exposing my weaknesses in front of the ones, I love? But if they love me, they will not judge me over my weaknesses and strength? Or may be I think that my sadness will make them feel sad too. Or do I really like to think of myself as a strong person? Are these the expectations I have set for myself? Am I scared of failing me? Why do I try to be so strong always? I am not to prove any point to anyone. Damn! And yes, it is so exhausting, strenuous and even boring to be strong always. Also, its kind of cheating to myself and to those who really care for me. Cheating???....eh that's bad!!!
I think. I need a change. A break. Lets go home and sleep and eat and ask my mother to tell me a story at bed time (She tells me the same Lord Shiva-Parvati and Ramji wali story every time I ask)
And friends, do not worry, For I shall be fine soon....
A day or may be half an hour is what I need to again be that bak-bak/nautanki/happy-go-lucky beta Shalu Goel types!
See, they say, writing is a great tool to let your pent-up stuff out (only emotions and energy...what are you thinking;)??).
It works well for me..... Now, I know, every time I will read this blog entry, I will be rolling with laughter over myself :) and do not ask me why...
2 comments:
I read some where "Boredom is nothing more than a man-made notion,stemming from our habit of being addicted to excitement and activity." Anywayz well written girl y stuff.
Well u trying to b strong, tht's visible...but u struck in self image made by urself that i shud b/shudnt b like this that and thinking of hat happen if i do this or that...let's do this, want to cry, CRY...want to run away, Runnnn...let's see what happen to ur loved ones,what they say bla bla...nd then decide what u are and what u trying to be...i guess u will find better results about urself...Well it's a good over night, long walk discussion..i wish we cud have in presence...
i m just saying coz we come across such situation nd people have different angles to handle it..i m just putting mine view...yeah u can smile on this post also whenvr u come again to read ur's this blog entry..
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